


Turning Grey

by Luthwyn



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, M/M, its sort of awful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 02:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13157229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luthwyn/pseuds/Luthwyn
Summary: Phil has started locking his emotions away. Dan is determined to find out what is wrong before it gets too late but maybe Phil doesn't want any help.





	1. Chapter 1

It was a very strange thing for Phil to be grey. At worst, he was blue or green and sometimes, but very rarely, red, but never grey. When he smiled, and laughed he was yellow, all bright and happy, when he was nervous or scared he was white, on edge and sharp, when he was exited he was purple, happy and eager, when he envious or disgusted he was green, undesirable and ugly, when he was confused he was orange (because let's face it orange is just a confusing colour) and when he was red he was angry, although Dan had never really seen him red. Grey however, was just nothing. It wasn't blue or yellow or purple it was just empty, and it hurt when the man who was usually so colourful went dull. Well that's how Dan saw it anyway. Lots of people associate colours with emotions, they match up well although it really depends on the person. For example, to some people blue is the colour of happiness, a reminder of the summer sky on a beautiful day but not for phil. In Dan's mind when Phil was blue he was sad because he would always look at Dan with his bright blue eyes and they would always seem deeper and more mesmerizing than before and Dan just had to make him happy again.

Dan didn't know how to change the grey though. It was like Phil had turned into a robot. Every emotion he showed was forced, every smile fake and every laugh dry and humourless. Dan could fix sad, he could fix scared, he could even fix red but nothing he did ever seemed to shift the grey. Dan didn't know what had happened to turn Phil like this and it wasn't as if Phil was just going to straight up tell him. To be fair Phil did make his effort to seem happy and cheerful and smiled at Dan when the cuddled on the sofa or kissed on passing in the hallway. To someone looking in from the outside everything may have seemed fine but Dan had spent almost every day with Phil for the past seven years, he knew when his boyfriend was pretending. Dan would ask what was wrong but it was no use. Phil would always just reply with the same forced smile. 'I'm fine' he would say, 'stop worrying' but his eyes were sad and dull. Dan wished he would cry and weep and cling to his boyfriend just as Dan did when everything got too much and he just wanted to be comforted, at least then Phil would be blue and Dan knew how to make him yellow but Phil wasn't giving in.

Dan woke up to a cold bed. Usually he would have stretched out his hands and found his boyfriend lying beside him, but not today. Dan sighed and wrapped his arms around himself to protect himself from the cold now that there wasn't another body lying next to him to keep warm. Phil had started to get up earlier recently which, although for most people would be a sign of them becoming more productive and healthy, was most likely a result of him being unable to sleep rather than him being productive. Dan groaned and rolled himself out of bed, hissing when his feet came into contact with the cold floor of their apartment. He really should have worn socks to bed that night. He shuffled down to the lounge, cursing at how cold it was, despite having put on a pair of pyjama bottoms and one of Phil's jumpers before leaving the bedroom. Usually as neither of them got up this early the heating didn't go on for about another hour and so had been allowed to remain at the same temperature as the chilly London air outside. He let his eyes scan the room lazily before registering what he saw and giving a startled yelp.

"Phil!" Dan said worriedly, rushing over to his boyfriend who was lying fast asleep on the sofa. He was only wearing a pair of pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, he must be freezing. "Phil, you look like you're turning into an icicle, why didn't you put the fire on, you'll get sick." Phil opened his eyes groggily and yawned.

"Not that cold." He murmured sleepily, closing his eyes again.

"Well I think it is so I'm going to get you a blanket." Dan said rolling his eyes and quickly left the room in search for one. On his way out he heard Phil try and protest his complaints fell on deaf ears. For some reason, Dan had adopted a rather cheery attitude since Phil had caught the grey. He remembered when he had been like that, when he had dropped out of university, always feeling so dull and useless. Phil's smile and uplifting demeanour had got him through that. They had always reminded Dan of the good, happy things in the world, the things worth living for and most of all they reminded Dan that he wasn't alone. Their fans had been noticing how happy Dan had seemed in his videos lately; they thought Phil was happy too though, something which was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing as it stopped the phandom questioning, but a cure because there was nothing to force Phil to come out about his feelings and what was wrong. Of course, it would be better if Phil could make his mind up on whether to tell Dan what was up on his own but it had been weeks and they had had no such luck. He had to act happy now though because he was being happy for the both of them maybe, just maybe if he acted happy then it would catch on to phil. It wouldn't help if they were both sad because then there would be no positivity and how can you make someone happy again if you yourself aren't, although Phil wasn't really sad as such, more like empty. When Dan walked back into the living room however, all thoughts of keeping a cheerful demeanour disappeared.

Phil was lying on the sofa awake but Dan would have preferred to see him back asleep because at least then he would have been resting and Dan wouldn't have had to see how frankly depressed he looked, it was enough to crush any bodies mood. His eyes were open but they weren't focusing on anything. They looked so dull and grey compared to their usual lively blue. Underneath his eyes there were dark bags, a result of his lack of sleep. He was paler than usual as well, and he looked far too thin. Dan felt like crying. How could he have let this happen, let Phil, his Phil, become like this. Dan sighed and perch himself at the end of the sofa so that Phil could rest his head in his lap. Dan pulled the blanket over them and they lay there in a comfortable silence for a bit. Dan started to run his fingers through Phil's onyx hair slowly, earning a soft sigh from the older man and making Dan smile to himself. He didn't really want to move but this was the perfect opportunity to confront Phil so eventually he had to speak up.  
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" He asked quietly. Phil shifted uncomfortably next to him.  
"I'm fine, just a bit tired that's all. I've told you to stop worrying." Phil said irritably, turning away from Dan as much as he could on the small sofa, causing Dan to groan in frustration.  
"Well maybe if you would just tell me the truth I wouldn't be worrying. I know something's wrong and all you're doing is lying to me." Dan retorted angrily. Phil just rolled his eyes.

"I'm not lying, I don't know why you seem to think that. Can't we you just drop it."

"No Phil I can't just drop it because you are my boyfriend and I care about you a whole dam lot and all you're doing is hiding things from me. I thought we agreed to tell each other everything and you aren't." Dan snapped back angrily, his voice raising more than he would have liked. A look of hurt flashed across Phil's face but it was replaced so quickly by the usual emotionless mask he had taken to wearing lately that Dan began to question whether he had seen it at all.  
"I've got some editing to do, please just let me get on with it." He said with a bored voice and walked out leaving a seething Dan still sitting on the sofa. He really couldn't figure out why Phil was keeping this from him, they talked about everything. He probably should have snapped but the longer this went on for, the more frustrated Dan was getting. He heard the door to the office slam shut and decided to leave Phil be. Obviously, his constant prying wasn't helping either of them.

Dan felt his stomach growl and decided to head into the kitchen for some breakfast. He had some editing to do as well but honestly, he was just procrastinating in any way he could at the moment. Currently the kitchen was quite neat for them, usually Phil would have left the cupboard doors open while making breakfast but today they were all neatly closed, just as Dan had left them last night. There was no empty bowl on the side and Dan doubted Phil would have put it in the dishwasher if he'd used one. He probably had no intention of eating breakfast.

Dan walked over to where their breakfast cereals were kept. Phil hadn't been stealing his lately and oddly Dan was starting to miss it, no matter how much he appeared to complain. It was one of those things that he loved to complain about, just because it reminded him of how domestic they are. He had even started buying Phil's favourite cereal in an effort to get him to eat it but the boxes remained unopened. Phil hadn't been eating a lot lately either which was worrying Dan. By the time lunch rolled around Phil was still hiding in the office. Dan was distracted from his editing by his growling stomach and headed by into the kitchen. He was sure had heard Phil come down earlier but it must have only been to use the bathroom because nothing in the kitchen had been moved. He considered making some lunch for Phil but he probably just wanted to be left alone at the moment. He would come down for dinner in a few hours anyway. Unfortunately however, it seemed that Phil had no desire to exit the office and so stayed up there the entire day, only coming down a few times for a glass of water and to use the toilet. He seemed absolutely hell bent on avoiding Dan at all costs. He had been up there for hours. Why did Dan asking him what was wrong provoke such a drastic reaction? In hindsight constantly pushing him to tell Dan something that was obviously not something he wanted to talk about was not a good idea, but god dam it Phil was his boyfriend and Dan was going to make him happy again.

Dan let out another frustrated groan. It was getting really late and Phil hadn't come back down stairs. He really wanted to apologise to Phil but it seemed like the other man wasn't really in the mood for talking. The lack of communication between them was really starting to get to Dan. Usually he and Phil never went more than a few hours without talking but recently Phil had just been very quiet and Dan had found himself as what he could only describe as lonely. He had started talking to himself again, a habit he had grown out of years ago. Yesterday he had had an embarrassingly in depth conversation with himself that was something to do with breaking bad he thought although looking back he couldn't remember much of it, he kind of just zoned out. The other thing was that usually if he was ever feeling down about something he could just go and ask Phil about it, but he didn't feel as though he could do that now. Dan didn't want to share his problems with Phil because it might make Phil feel more upset which wouldn't help anybody. He really didn't know what to do. He would try and busy himself for now, maybe he was just thinking about it too much.

As it turned out he was thinking about it and that was the problem. Dan pulled his laptop onto back into his lap after having thrown it down in frustration, his thoughts so crowded with Phil he couldn't concentrate on the editing he was trying to do. He was probably overreacting about the whole thing and probably if Phil was someone else Dan might see his sudden change in personality as someone maturing or just having a bad day but one, Phil has been like this for weeks and two, the idea of Phil being mature is absolutely absurd. Phil had always been a bit childish at times but it was mostly seen as endearing rather from creepy. Now however that was gone, in the last few weeks Dan had tried everything to bring this part of Phil back out rather than the dull, robotic way he had been acting but nothing really worked. Dan wasn't going to give up though, no matter how much it annoyed Phil. Maybe he would give him a break from time to time but the cogs in Dan's brain would always be spinning around, thinking about how he could make Phil feel better because well, because he cared for Phil so much and seeing like this hurt. For the mean time however, Dan would have to find something else to occupy himself with whilst he waited for Phil to come back downstairs.  
He typed YouTube into his search bar and clicked on the link. He was surprised to find a new video notification from AmazingPhil. Dan clicked on it and watched to video. To any normal viewer, he would have seemed just like his normal cheery self but Dan could see how dim his eyes were, even though the screen and how sometimes his smile faltered, no matter how hard he tried to keep it plastered to his face. He scrolled down the comment occasionally smiling at a few funny ones but scowling whenever he came across a hateful one. They were rare and they weren't even about him but they still managed to make Dan feel really crap. How can someone who is so perfect and lovely get hate, there is obviously something wrong with the world. Dan suddenly felt the urge to get up and give Phil a hug but of course Phil was still hiding in the office probably hating Dan for not leaving him alone this morning and being distinctly not happy.

He still didn't know what had caused Phil to turn grey, he was stumped. He knew that sometimes he got hate which upset him but the both of them had grown a lot more resistant to that over the years and besides, it wasn't as if he got a lot of that sure there had been a few on that video but they were mostly drowned out by all the lovely nice ones. The phandom practically worshipped Phil anyway, they would defend him at every given opportunity. Dan couldn't remember saying anything that would upset him and Phil wasn't really one to take criticism to heart, usually he just took it in his stride. His change in attitude had just been so sudden. One day he had gone to bed upbeat, happy and just a little bit odd like always and woken up with grey eyes and a forced smile. Dan hadn't heard a proper laugh from him in weeks.

After a few more hours of waiting Dan gave up. Phil had finished editing and posted that video, so what was he doing now. He decided to pop his head round the door of the office before he went to bed to check Phil was ok. Phil was hunched over the computer, headphones on and a gaming video the filmed a few days ago up on the monitor. If he saw Dan standing in the hallway he pretended not to notice. Dan let out an annoyed huff coughed loudly. Phil flinched at the sound but kept his eyes locked on the computer screen. Dan let out an annoyed huff and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He knew Phil was upset but there was no need for him to be hiding away from everybody, especially his boyfriend. How was ignoring the person he usually went confided in to help with his problems going to make him feel better. If Phil was going to give him the silent treatment, well two can play at game. Dan stomped his way down the stairs, being as loud as possible, knowing full well it wouldn't help anything but it seemed Phil's bad mood was catching.

It was only when he'd finished getting ready for bed that a wave of worry washed over him. Dan couldn't stay mad at Phil really, although he was still a little annoyed with him. Perhaps he should just let Phil be tomorrow, his intervention obviously wasn't working. He still hadn't heard Phil come down stairs and he definitely hadn't gone into the kitchen so he probably still hadn't eaten. He tiredly resolved to make it his mission to get Phil to eat something tomorrow (or well today because he didn't exactly go to bed early) but for now his bed was looking far to inviting to leave. He lay down and shut his eyes, prayed that Phil would come to bed soon and let his body sink into the matres. Unusually he would have waited up for Phil but the stress of the last few weeks was starting to get to him and he was exhausted so instead he let himself drift off to sleep, despite the nagging feeling in his head telling him there should be another person falling asleep next to him.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan woke up the next morning engulfed in a pair of arms. He opened his eyes blearily to find Phil snoring gently next to him. He was surprised he'd even bothered to go bed, let alone in here. Phil probably just wanted to have someone to sleep next to, even Dan sometimes struggled to sleep when the bed was empty. He was still a little bit annoyed at Phil for blanking him for pretty much the entirety of yesterday but he couldn't help but feel better whilst he was being cuddled, as cheesy as it sounds. He buried his head into Phil's chest and just lay there listening to the other man's breathing. It was slow and steady and even, almost lulling Dan back to sleep. Dan forced his eyes open again because he wanted to enjoy this, enjoy the time when he actually got to lie next to Phil and be hugged and actually feel loved by him. It wasn't Phil's fault he was upset but Phil was the light in Dan's life and now it felt that that light had been turned off. Needless to say, Dan was struggling.

Dan must have been awake for at least an hour by the time he felt like moving. Phil was as soft and warm as always but Dan couldn't help but wish he could have the old Phil back, the Phil who would have woken up giggling at Dan's soft touches or at least returned them. The Phil who would lie and watch movie marathons with Dan, the both of them never really paying attention to the actual movie but just enjoying each other's company. Back then he might have woken Phil up so he could have someone to watch anime with and talk to, but now he wouldn't dream of it. This Phil wouldn't wake up with a lazy smile and mutter a sleepy 'mornin' in Dan's direction, he would wake up and go through the robotic movements of his now normal morning routine. Dan would get the old Phil back but unfortunately it seemed as though the current Phil was rather unwilling to cooperate.

Dan bought his hand up play with Phil's hair but quickly pulled away when he realised he might wake the other man up. Phil looked exhausted even in his relaxed sleeping form, the dark circles ever present under his eyes and his skin even paler than usual. As Dan gently ran his hand down his boyfriends back he grimaced at how bony he felt, not thin enough for it to properly show but enough for Dan to be worried. He had gone to bed so late last night and yet Phil hadn't eaten once all day. As quietly as possible he swung his legs round and tiptoed out of the room. The grey morning light filtered through the apartment, allowing Dan to navigate his way around the various objects that littered his floor without making too much noise. He headed along the corridor and into the kitchen. It was about nine o'clock so not particularly early but too early for someone who had gone to bed at a time when some people would be starting their day. He blearily grabbed a bowl from the shelf and set to work making two bowls of cereal for himself and Phil. Unfortunately, this is not as easy as it looks when you are having trouble keeping both of your eyes open but after a few drops of spilt milk and more curses than Dan would like to admit he had finished. He kicked the door to the kitchen open, a bowl balanced in each hand. Suddenly as he turned into the hallway though he let out a startled yelp and almost dropped them. Phil was stood in the hallway, looking decidedly zombie like but awake.  
"What the hell are you doing, I thought we were being robbed." He said groggily, rubbing his eyes harshly, "What are you doing anyway?" He was squinting at the bowls which confused Dan until he realised that Phil probably couldn't see them very clearly as he wasn't wearing his glasses.  
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just making breakfast," Dan said in a cheery voice, "here I made you some."  
"I'm not really feeling breakfast but thanks for the offer." He replied tiredly. Dan frowned, he had been expecting that answer he was still disappointed to hear it.  
"Well I've already made it so tough. You take these into the lounge and I'll go and get your glasses." Dan said with an assertive nod, earning an eye roll from Phil. Dan was sure Phil would refuse against but the other man just let out a quiet sigh and reluctantly took the bowls from Dan. The younger man smiled happily, taking this as a victory, no matter how small.  
"Oh and pick something for us to watch." He called over his shoulder. Phil nodded but Dan was sure he saw a smile ghost over his lips, that little victory had just got a whole lot more satisfying.  
After fishing around in the bedside draws for a bit in order to find Phil glasses Dan headed back into the living room. There was an anime episode up on the TV and Phil was looking up at Dan expectantly. Dan smiled and sat down on the sofa, reaching for his bowl which Phil had put down on the coffee table.  
"Aren't you going to eat it." Dan said to Phil, gesturing to the remaining bowl on the table. Phil shrugged and muttered something that sounded vaguely like 'not hungry'. Dan sighed.  
"Well I've already made it and I don't want it to go to waist." Dan said gently, he felt a bit like he was talking to a child.   
"Alright fine." Phil snapped although his mood seemed to improve once he'd taken a bite. He finished the cereal about half way into an old episode of attack on titan that they had put and leant into Dan.  
"Sorry for being so snappy at the moment, I'm just tired." He muttered quietly.  
"Well maybe you should go to bed earlier." Dan replied softly, "And eat more, that's the first food you've had all week." Phil looked down at the empty bowl and frowned.  
"S'only Wednesday", he said quietly but refused to look Dan in the eye.  
"Oh Phil!" Dan muttered, burying his face into his hands. "This isn't healthy, please just tell me what's wrong."  
"Nothing." Phil snapped and Dan felt frustration start to build up again. How come that pretty much every conversation they shared about this ended the same way. He saw Phil move to get up.  
"No Phil don't you go and leave, you are going to stay here until you tell me what's up with you and I can help."  
Phil let out an angry grown and scowled at Dan before regaining control of his annoyance and turning back to Dan with a calm look.  
"I have already told you I'm fine Dan. I don't see why you are so concerned." He said with a steady voice.  
"I'm concerned because you're my boyfriend and I love you Phil. You are not yourself and I want the old Phil back. I don't think it's fair that you're treating me like that because like I said you are my boyfriend and that goes both ways. Do you not care about me anymore? Is that why you won't talk or open up to me anymore? Because that's what it seems like." Dam had brought himself to tears with his little rant and continued to sob into his hands. Suddenly there was a pair if arms around him.  
"No, Dan I care about you I really do. You know I love you, even if I haven't been very good at showing it lately. I tell you what's wrong ok just please don't cry." And then suddenly they were both crying. Dan turned around to cling onto Phil who returned the gesture until there were two six ft. men sobbing their hearts out on a sofa.   
"We must look so stupid right now." He managed to gasp out in-between sobs which caused Dan to smile.  
Suddenly they both collapsed into a fit of hysterical giggles, only being interrupted by the occasional sob. Phil was right, they probably did look ridiculous but it wasn't as if anybody was going to see them. Once they had calmed down Phil leant down to rest his head-on Dan's shoulder and for a minute Dan was scared Phil had gone back to how he was before, he thought their little crying fit had broken down the grey, because even blue is better than grey. Dan felt an odd sense of relief when he felt Phil sniff into his shoulder but at the same time his heart sank because Phil shouldn't be upset. Dan was the one who went to Phil when he was upset and now the roles were reversed and Dan was lost.

"Phil, its ok to be upset you know." He said gently. Phil nodded against his shoulder but Dan could still hear him struggling to hold in his tears. They sat like that for a while longer as Phil continued to sniffle and bury his head into Dan's shoulder in an attempt to dry his eyes. Dan just couldn't understand why Phil was still trying to hold back. They had just literally had a mutual breakdown and yet Phil was still trying to hide it. Sure, the breakdown had been more to do with the worry of losing his boyfriend rather than the actual reason he was upset but surely it might have opened something that allowed him to just open up. In Dan was in Phil's position he would have probably already spilled his heart out weeks ago. In a way, Dan was quite impressed by his ability to seeming block out his emotions although at the moment it wasn't really doing him a favour.  
"Phil please talk to me." Dan muttered quietly, gently resting his head-on Phil's and kissing his forehead. Phil opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it and turned to face the other way.   
"Phil please," Dan begged quietly, his voice dangerously close to cracking.  
"I'll sound stupid." Phil muttered into his hands which he had brought up to cover his face. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and squeezed him tight.  
"No it won't just tell me."  
Phil turned to look him in the eyes but his own instantly started watering up. They were turning red from all the crying he was doing and Dan had the urge to wipe the tears away from under his eyes.  
"Sorry for being a dickhead to you. I know you just want what's best for me but sometimes all the people constantly critiquing and questioning just gets to me." He mumbled quietly.  
"I just didn't want them to see."

"Oh Phil." Dan sighed softly, "There's nothing wrong about getting upset over something. Why didn't you tell me? I can help you, ignoring me won't help anything"

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think I was a wimp." Phil sniffed. Dan shuffled closer to Phil and pulled him in against his chest but the other man pulled away.

"Phil, you shouldn't be ashamed of letting your feeling out."

"Well maybe I am ashamed. I'm ashamed because I'm thirty for fucks sake. I'm not some emo teenager who just feels like fucking dying all the time. I've been doing this for over ten years, why should mean things and prizing fans still get to me." Phil snapped and Dan found his eyes welling up."

"Phil if these things get to you then you should just talk to me and then they won't spiral out of control like this."

"No Dan, you're the one who everyone sees as being the emotional one, not me. I shouldn't be upset and I can't keep throwing it all on you."

"Phil, I'm your boyfriend. I'm supposed to help you and love all of you, emotional baggage included." Dan retorted, frustration evident in his voice.

"No I can do this on my own." Phil said sharply. Dan clenched his fists and let out a groan of frustration.

"You can't though Phil, you've made that quite clear."

"Well maybe you should stop pestering me then, I can assure you it doesn't help."

"Well fuck me for trying to show you I care." Dan growled angrily, "Stop pretending you're the only one who is affected by all of this."

"Maybe if you would stop getting so invested in my bloody life then you wouldn't be so affected."

"I your fucking boyfriend Phil, I can't exactly just start cutting you out of my life like you're trying to.

"Well then perhaps I shouldn't be your boyfriend anymore then!" Phil shouted and now he was red. He was angry and frustrated and upset and hurt all at the same time and he was saying things he didn't mean. Dan knew that but he was tired and frustrated with Phil. He had gone weeks without really speaking with the other man and he couldn't do this anymore.

"Fine then." He screamed back. Phil looked hurt for a second and Dan was about to apologise but then Phil's expression turned to one of anger and he gritted his teeth instead.

"Fine." Phil snapped back, although it was a lot quieter than before, "I'm going out,". With that he turned on his heels and stormed out of the room, leaving Dan crying his eyes on the sofa. Dan wasn't quite sure how long he was lying there for. He vaguely remembered the door slamming shut but his sobs drowned out pretty much everything else.

He and Phil never fought and now they had had a fight so big they had broken up. Why had Dan yelled fine, why had he said yes? He was about to lose the person he cared about most in the word. What if Phil wouldn't take him back? What if this was forever? He couldn't lose Phil, he just couldn't. Dan felt himself bombarded with a new wave of sobs. Some part of him was saying to run after Phil and apologise because he couldn't do this but he didn't even know where Phil was. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Phil's number. The other man didn't pick up. Dan groaned and threw his Phone onto the sofa, why was this happening? He and Phil were so happy before, now look at them. Phil gone missing and Dan sobbing on the sofa. He just wanted Phil to come back and give him a hug, just a reassuring one that said they were still together.

Eventually Dan got up from the sofa and started pacing up and down. It was three in the morning and Dan was exhausted but knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until he sorted this out. He had called PJ and Loise and basically everyone he knew in London, just trying to figure out where Phil had gone but nobody knew. Dan reached up to run his had thorough his hair and had the urge to yank it out. This was all Phil's fault. They were going to move into the new apartment and be happy and then Dan was going to propose and they were going to get married and have kids and maybe Dan was overreacting a bit but god dam it he was upset. In all honesty, Dan didn't know who to blame because on one side Dan was pestering and intruding on something that Phil was keeping to himself but on the other Phil shouldn't have been keeping it to himself in the first place. It was really out of character for Phil to be such a dick about something. Usually his main priority was keeping the people around him happy rather than himself, but that was because he'd always been such a naturally happy and optimistic person that he didn't really need much to be happy. It must have taken a whole lot of shit to make Phil sad.

Out of the corner of his eye Dan spotted Phil's mac resting on the arm of the sofa. Dan picked it up carefully and pulled it into his lap. Usually he wouldn't look at Phil's things, it felt a bit like an intrusion of his privacy but he was curious. He switched it on and typed in the password. There were a couple of tumblr blogs open and some other websites along with twitter, Facebook etc. And Dan wasn't surprised because Phil had always had a problem with having too many tabs open at one time. He clicked onto the tumblr blogs and started scrolling through them. He knew Phil must had opened up the amaingphil tag after posting his video yesterday and started to scroll down. Most of them were nice like always but a few caught his eye.

A couple of people were talking about Phan and usually Dan would have just ignored them because they always felt a bit personal but he decided to read it anyway. It surprised him how Phil was represented in the chat. Everyone kept going on about how gorgeous he had looked in the photos they had recently taken in Hong Kong and Dan had to admit they were pretty great. There were a lot of people however who kept comparing his photos to Phil's, going on about how much more handsome Dan was than Phil. Dan almost dropped the laptop because in his eyes that was completely untrue. They were both good-looking just in different ways and if the fans couldn't see that then Dan decided they didn't deserve to be fans at all. There was another comment however that caused Dan to lose it. How dare someone have the audacity to say that Phil wasn't good enough for Dan. They even said Phil had a boring personality, in what universe is this in any way true? Dan gritted his teeth and had to stop himself from going full on batshit crazy at the bloggers who had written this. They didn't know anything about the things that their idols kept hidden from them. They weren't well educated enough on the matter to come to the decision that Phil didn't deserve Dan. Of course this would have made Phil upset. He had always been a little insecure on how much more popular Dan was than him, he always just continued to encourage and praise Dan. In Dan's eyes, it was him that didn't deserve Phil, not the other way around. Dan slammed the laptop shut angrily. Those stupid rude fans had caused so much pain for the both of them.

Dan wouldn't let them break up, he wouldn't. He would do everything in his power to make up with Phil because he loved Phil and underneath all of the anger and the grey, Dan knew that Phil loved him too. He settled down on the sofa ad closed his eyes. He knew sleep wouldn't come but he was still going to lie there and wait for Phil to come back. He would wait and wait and wait and if by the time morning came Phil still wasn't back then he was going to send a fucking manhunt out looking for him. They had broken up but it was a decision made in anger and frustration rather than in their benefit. Phil wouldn't just leave, would he? Dan wriggled uncomfortably in his seat. He didn't want to think about the consequences if Phil refused to take him back so instead he just patiently waited for Phil to get back. He would wait however long it took for his boyfriend to get back and then he would have another challenge ahead of him. They were getting back together, Dan would make sure of it.


	3. Chapter 3

At some point during the night it all got a bit too much for Dan and he passed out on the sofa. Things like this didn't happen between Dan and Phil, or at least they hadn't for a very long time. They hardly ever argued and when they did it was always about petty things mostly. Phil was a very happy person and for the most part so was Dan. Disagreements were dealt with calmly and usually only revolved around Phil's mess making skills and Dan's tendency to buy overpriced clothes, neither of which either of them were particularly bothered by anyway. An argument like this shouldn't have happened. If Dan had faced Phil earlier then maybe this wouldn't have got so bad and if Phil hadn't been so god dam stubborn Dan could have helped so really they were both to blame. They couldn't brake up, it would change everything. Their careers would be over, they were Dan and Phil, they were popular because they worked together, they were a team. They needed each other; they were best friends, boyfriends, co-workers. Almost their entire lives revolved around each other.

Dan prized his eyes open and stretched himself across the sofa. His back cracked painfully and he let out a groan. His head hurt from crying so much and his shirt was damp with sweat. The few hours of sleep he managed to get were fitful and filled with images he'd rather forget; he'd do anything for Phil to be here to comfort him. He slowly got to his feet, deciding to head to the shower but stopped when he noticed his phone on the table. He picked it up and scrolled through his messages. He had a good number asking if Phil had been found and a couple of missed calls from Phil's mum. What was most noticeable however was the seven missed calls he had from Phil. He rushed over to pick it up and hastily called the number.

It rang four times before a muffled thump came through the other end, signaling it had been picked up.

"Phil where are you, I called you last night. Why weren't you answering? I've been worried out of my brain." He said quickly, really just glad Phil was alive. He heard a sniff on the other end of the line and then Phil's voice came through. It was croaky and slurred, he was probably drunk.

"Dan please come and pick me up." He sobbed and Dan froze because he sounded really bad.

"Phil where are you, can't you get a taxi? Are you ok?"

Dan was a little pissed off that Phil would basically break up with him then go and get drunk and call him at a ridiculous time in the morning asking to be picked up. His annoyance dissipated however when he heard Phil burst into tears.

"I don't have any money," he croaked, his words difficult to understand through the sobs, "Someone took it." There was an element of panic evident in his voice along with a bit of confusion and something Dan couldn't quite put his finger on. Dan sighed, realising that Phil was definitely too drunk and too wound up to be wandering the streets of London after someone had nicked his wallet. This probably wasn't something he was used to dealing with, Phil didn't really go out drinking on his own, well ever and he didn't usually get that drunk either.

"Ok Phil listen to me, where are you?" Dan asked slowly, trying to keep his voice calm. Phil sounded confused but eventually managed to slur out the name of a bar and Dan quickly grabbed his coat. The sun was starting to come up but it was too early for many cabs to be around so he set of at a jog. Google maps said it was only a twenty minuet walk, but that was for someone who was actually fit. Surprisingly he managed to get there in fifteen but only because he spent the whole journey wheezing like an asthmatic ant carrying a large bag of shopping.

The bar was closed by now, all customers having either gone home at the first sign of day or too drunk to do anything other than stumble around outside. There were a few drunks leaning against the wall, bottles in hands and completely pissed. Apart from that it was pretty much empty. They went in a busy part of London so there were no taxis going past and Dan realized suddenly that he'd forgot to bring his wallet anyway, seems like they were stuck walking home. He looked around desperately for Phil, a breath of relief escaping his chest when he caught sight of him. Phil was sat against the wall by the fire exit. He must have put up quite a fight with the idiot who mugged him because he had already developed a black eye and one of his knuckles was bleeding. His eyes were closed and his knees were pulled close to his chest. Dan walked up to him and crouched down to his eye level. Phil didn't seem to notice him, or if he did paid no attention to it.

"Phil come on." He said gently, giving Phil's shoulder a squeeze. The older man jumped at the sudden contact but quickly relaxed when he realised it was Dan. He lurched forward and wrapped his arms tightly around the other man. His eyes were unfocused and his movements clumsy but he looked as if he had sobered up enough by now to be able to stagger home.

"I'm sorry Dan." He sniffed, clinging on to Dan for dear life as he sobbed into his shoulder.

"It's ok." Dan shushed, gently rubbing Phil's back, "It's ok, I'm here now."

Dan slowly stood up, pulling Phil with him. Phil stumbled for a second, finding it a little difficult to stay on his feet. Dan had to bend back down and pick up Phil's phone. It had been smashed, presumably when Phil got attacked. That was probably the only reason it hadn't been taken as well although he had a feeling Phil wouldn't have given it up without a fight. He handed it to Phil who took it carefully but immediately dropped it again when a shard of glass cut into his hand. He looked as if he was about to cry. Standing up had caused Phil's nose to start bleeding again, presumably because the moment had caused it to become unclogged again or something. Dan

Dan sighed. If he ever found the person who did this to Phil, his Phil, he would murder them. Suddenly a wave of guilt washed over him. This was his fault. If they hadn't argued then Phil wouldn't have walked out, he would have got drunk and this wouldn't have happened.

"Come on lion." Dan said softly, slowly leading Phil down the street. Phil, even in his tired, slightly out of it state, had become quite jumpy and started actively steering Dan away from the darker streets. It made Dan feel sick to think that Phil was still afraid that someone was going to attack him, despite the fact that Dan was there with him. Phil shouldn't feel afraid on the streets of his own city, and with Dan he should feel safe. The world can be mean and cruel and sometimes it lashed out, but why Phil, sweet, kind, lovely Phil.

After around forty minutes of stumbling around as Dan continued to struggle holding Phil up they got home. After pushing him up the stairs, Dan collapsed against a wall breathing heavily. Phil may have lost a lot of weight but he was still heavy. He pressed his head against the wall and groaned at the realisation he still had to get drunk Phil back into his pyjamas and put him to bed but when he turned around again he found Phil fast asleep on the floor. Dan didn't really think he could move him on his own and he didn't have the heart to wake him up. He looked peaceful and Dan knew that this time he would actually get a proper night sleep, albeit trying to sleep off a hangover. He might be a bit achy in the morning but it was probably better than Dan trying to drag him up a flight of stairs to the bedroom.

He went upstairs to fetch a few pillows and blankets so he could make him feel a bit more comfortable. He moved Phil into a position that meant that if he was sick, because lets face it to anybody who is drunk that is a danger, he wouldn't choke on it. Gruesome he knew but Dan wasn't taking any chances. It was about seven o'clock in the morning and Dan had only slept for around an hour, having stayed up phoning people all night in an effort to find Phil. Quite frankly he was exhausted. He was about to go up to his own room and sleep but something about the thought made him feel guilty. He didn't want to leave Phil alone in the hallway. What would happen if he woke up before Dan, alone on the floor remembering how they argued and how he got beat up. He would be so upset, besides he might have concussion from being hit. Dan had to stay with him, just in case. Unfortunately the only place could stay was on the floor next to his boyfriend. Dan sighed and lay down next to Phil, knowing all too well that he would wake up with a sore back in the morning.

Phil was snoring softly next to him. His skin had gone to a more healthy shade of pale, whereas before it had seemed to be a bit of a grey -green colour. His clothes were dirty from sitting on the floor and there were a few drops of blood on the collar of his shirt where he most likely had a nosebleed. The purple ring around his eye had turned a dark purple and his eye was slightly bloodshot. His hand had stopped bleeding now but the cut looked quite nasty. Dan decided he was going to take Phil to A&E in the morning, just to make sure no major damage had been done that Phil had not told him about. He shuffled over and pulled the blanket he had got Phil over to cover both of them. He must have looked ridiculous, lying on the floor next to his drunken boyfriend, but really he was just glad to find that he was back alive. He wrapped he arm around Phil and rested his head on the other man's chest to use as a pillow. Phil's heart thumped away as usual and it soon lulled Dan off to sleep.

When Dan woke up several hours later the first thing he noticed was that Phil was gone. He could faintly hear the older man pottering around in the kitchen and grimaced at the thought of dealing with a bad tempered Phil. As a rule Phil usually didn't get bad tempered or angry, even if he had the worst hangover in the world, but with the way things had been going recently Dan was bracing for the worst. He hauled himself to his feet, grimacing as his back popped. He slowly edged his way along the hallway and into the kitchen. Phil was leant against the counter with his eyes shut, presumably in an attempt to relieve his headache.

"Hey Phil, you ok there?" Dan said carefully.

Phil groaned and brought his hands to his ears.

"So loud," he mumbled quietly, "Remind me to never go out drinking again."

"Well maybe you shouldn't have run off then." Dan sighed, pulling Phil into a hug that was quickly reciprocated. For a minuet Dan thought Phil was about to start crying again but he seemed to manage to calm himself down.

"I been so stupid lately." He muttered, turning back towards the cabinet and knocking his head on it gently, an action that caused him to wince. Dan moved forward to wrap his arm around Phil.

"I think you need to go back to sleep love." He said quietly, resting his head on his boyfriends shoulder. Phil hummed in agreement and took Dan by the hand and pulled him down the hall. There must still have been a bit of alcohol in his system because he was a little unsteady on his feet. He flopped straight down onto the bed the moment he got into the bedroom and groaned into the sheets.

"Why do I have to be such an idiot all the time and now you probably hate me arghhh."

"I don't hate you Phil we've already discussed this." Dan replied sighing heavily, "I know you were upset but don't run out again you could have got really badly hurt or even killed. You already got beaten up and I want you to promise me you will never do something that stupid ever again."

"Promise." Phil replied quietly, his voice muffled by the pillow he had shoved his face into.

"Come on you can't just go to sleep, you need to get changed." Phil looked down and scowled at his dirty clothes. He looked a mess at the moment. Hair all over the place, crumpled ripped clothes, not to mention the amorous black eyes that had seemed to grow in the night. He groaned and turned over so he could slowly get undressed until he was in nothing but his boxers. Dan slid under the cover next to him and allowed Phil to wrap his lanky arms around his waist.

"I love you." The older man murmured into his neck.

"Love you too you gigantic flop." Dan sighed back affectionately.

"We'll sort this all out, won't we?"

"Yes don't worry about it, I'm glad to have you back" Dan replied softly, and he was talking about more than him just going missing.

"I'm glad to have me back as well." Phil said knowingly and Dan smiled and snuggled closer to his boyfriend.

"Goodnight love."

"Goodnight bear."

And with that they fell asleep in each other's arms and Dan was happy. Phil wasn't really a happy colour but he wasn't grey and maybe, just maybe, he could make him yellow again. It could take time but Dan would do anything and he was sure the old Phil would soon be back.


End file.
